Lots has been going on with me over the past few weeks.  Chaos at work is only the beginning.  But the bigger news is about my birthmother.  To make a long and complicated story short when I was 5 I was taken away from my birth parents because I was abused and mistreated.  I was handed over to my birth aunt and uncle where the abuse only continuid. Finally childrens aid society took me away completly and I was adopted into a good family. I was in foster care and attending JK when one of the teachers at my school noticed how sad I looked all the time and dug deeper and found out I was up for adoption.  She then adopted me.  She saved my life.  She was my best friend.  She died of cancer when I was 19.  I am now 26.  For the last year and a half or so I have been contacted by agencies saying that  my birthmother has been searching for me .  I finally agreed to exchcange email addresses.  I wanted to know why she hurt me and why she turned her back on me and abandoned me.  I wanted to tell her the damage she has caused leaving a child to grow up wondering why her whole life.  I sent her an email saying that I wanted to know why she turned her back on me all those years ago.  She in turn replied very shortly and bluntly that no one loved her thats why she didnt ever love me.  There was no "im sorry"  or "I have missed you" or " I have thought about you" or "how are you?"  nothing.  just a F*cking excuse.  I grew up hating her for my memories and questions.  Now I hate her for the truth.  She never wanted me.  She never felt bad for hurting me.  She never cared.  And that was always my worst fear.  So anyways thats whats been hanging over my head the past few days.  I cant wrap my head around it that all I have been through and all she gave me was an excuse. 

What kind of world do we live in?  I will be stronger.

I still dont know why she wanted to find me.  To twist the knife deeper I suppose.